July 5th, 2010
Being a victim of domestic violence, and having suffered thirteen years of fear, violence and anguish, you can image I was skeptical the first time a man told me he had been a victim of domestic violence also. I thought it was a sick joke, a way of making fun of my pain. The more the fellow insisted that he understood how I felt, the more I suspected he was giving me a pickup line. It wasn’t until he showed me the scars on his bald head that I believed him.
He informed me that his ex-wife had thrown pots and pans at him, dug her fingernails in his scalp until he bled and screamed at him continuously. He didn’t know what to do. He was a big strong guy who did not believe in hitting a woman. He felt trapped by her episodes.
In Concord, New Hampshire, 35 percent of domestic assault arrests are of women (1). Some stats suggest that gay, bi, and trans men experience domestic violence close to the same rate as heterosexual women, one in four. The man I met had fallen prey to the black-widow syndrome. This is where a woman who has been abused by men decides she’s had enough of being treated poorly and all men must pay. Often these women will search for their target in the “nice” man who would never strike a woman back. At the start of the relationship she is very kind and sweet, thus luring the man in, but once there is security the nightmare begins.
For the rest of the article: www.thefatherlife.com/articles/2007/38/
Tags: abuse, black widow, domestic violence, girl abusers, woman abusers
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June 28th, 2010
Provoked is an awesome movie that shows the complexities of domestic violence. It’s about a Punjabi housewife in London who suffers under her husband’s brutality for years and what the affects of violence are upon her. The movie also shows how a Guerilla Fighter, in this case a South Asian social worker, can have a dramatic effect not only for Kiranjit Ahluwaltia, the main character’s life, but also affecting the law and many other victims’ lives after that. This moving story is based on a true story. What surprised me, but shouldn’t, was how much this story resembled my own even though I am from a very different ethnic group, social status, and life situation. It goes to show that abuse, is abuse, is abuse. Watch Provoked and see an interesting insight into domestic violence.
Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, domestic violence, movie
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June 21st, 2010
10 Red Flags of an Unhealthy Relationship
According to a 2005 Department of Justice survey, more than 2 million Americans were victimized by someone they know (National Crimes of Violence Survey, http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/cvus05.pdf). Learning to detect relationship red flags and respond healthily is a valuable skill that can help empower people and give them more knowledge to proceed in relationships.
Identifying red flags requires that you know what signs to look for and what they could mean to a relationship. “One of the best ways to know if a behavior is a problem is to trust your instincts and to learn about abusive techniques,” says Dr. Kevin Skinner, Ph.D., president of Growth Climate. The following red flags are common traits of an unhealthy relationship:
1. Blamer — Takes No Responsibility — An individual who makes his or her problems out to always be someone else’s fault and consistently portrays him or herself as the victim should be considered a possible source of trouble.
2. Isolation — A lot of abusers like to keep their victims isolated from outside influences and resources.
3. Jealousy — Abusers often accuse their victim of not being faithful. Some will even become upset if the victim talk to his or her friends or family too much.
4. Toot Their Own Horn — These types of people look for opportunities to let their importance be known. They consider themselves “one-of-a-kind,” more special or better than others.
5. Put Others on the Defensive — When an abuser feels threatened, a favorite tool of defense is a distracting or overbearing response, such as becoming hypercritical, sarcastic, angry and/or silent.
For the rest of the article www.redemptivecommunity.com/site/?page_id=122
Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, domestic violence, signs of abusive relationships, unhealthy relationship
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June 7th, 2010
I recently read an letter to a blog post commenting about the last straw.
The Last Straw
I had this to say:
I agree with Evana about the need for community support. I had six children under the age of eleven when I fled and went into hiding. If I didn’t have the community support I wouldn’t have been able to get out alive. This is one of the reasons I am so committed to teaching other women how to develop their personal community of support. I fictionalized my own personal story in the novel Silent Cries: A Woman’s Journey to Freedom.As we talk about last straws, it’s funny, like Evana, mine wasn’t a major episode either. My ex had actually gotten help, was in perpetrator therapy, but his anger, hovering over me didn’t stop. One day I had a baby in arms and he hovered over me criticizing me for being fat. He had never called me that before. That did it. I had six children in eight years and he had the gall to call me fat! He was fifty pounds overweight, I twenty, and he called me fat. I called my support team into action and they surrounded me to help me get out of this sticky situation safely. I put up with the fat lips, bruised eyes, damage to my back, and brain stem, but call me fat… I believe in all reality it was because of all the community support I had, the people telling me I was of worth and my children deserve better that it took only the smallest thing to push me over the edge to work for my freedom. Oh, the sweet freedom I now have. I hope that we can help every other person who is suffering to claim this freedom.
Tags: last straw domestic violence abuse healing from abuse silent cries
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June 1st, 2010
One cannot watch the news reports on O.J. Simpson without seeing similarities between him and the abuser profile. The biggest blaring characteristic would be his sense of entitlement. His actions scream that he thinks he can get away with— anything—consequence free. The reason being, “It’s not his fault.” If he wants his watch back, don’t worry about getting it legally, bust down a door, bring a gun, yell and threaten with tons of profanity and get what you want. Another behavior that would be on the lookout list is when a person violates another person’s access to help by trying to take away the phone. Of course to the abuser the phone snatching is okay because the other person was threatening to call the authorities and that would cause him trouble and that to them is abusive. It’s okay to indulge in highly emotional outbursts that cause other people heart attacks because, hey, they took the watch so they deserve what they got. Their behavior is justified, they are after all no matter what they do or the harm they cause others, even murder, because, after all, they are the victim. Abusers, naturally, can’t help being charming and fun, the life of the party the night before the attack. They can’t help it if people instantly like them and they are good natured—well, at least until you tick them off. Being Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, switching from nice to menacing, is all part of the job. It’s all part of the fun not knowing if you are dealing with the fun, talented, good natured person or the angry, threatening one who if you don’t do what he wants ….well. Entitlement, swearing, weapons, threats of isolation, anger, charm, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, claiming to be a victim, it all just seems to fit too nicely. When is society going to say enough is enough?
Tags: abuse domestic violence, O.J. Simpson
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April 5th, 2010
Excerpt from Silent Cries: A Woman’s Journey to Freedom
In the afternoon, as the quiet of the old house wrapped around her, she thought she would do the assignment that Judy had requested. Make a list of the problems she had with Brad. Once she got started it began to flow from her pen.
1) I lose a sense of identity with him around.2) He often engages in revenge, going for where it hurts.3) Physical Abuse—hitting, throwing things, breaking things.4) Verbal Abuse—name calling—sometimes really crude ones.5) Spiritual Abuse—“I am the man and the leader of the home, therefore you will do as I say.”6) Crazy Making—He says something then denies saying it.7) No Empathy—even in the process of trying to get back together with me, he does not consider my feelings or my concerns, much less my fears.8) Controlling—I’ve never known how much money we have. I can’t do anything without his permission. I can’t even choose what kind of milk to buy.9) Involves the children with our problems.10) Doesn’t take ownership for his mistakes or issues.11) Blames me for all our problems.12) Drains my spirit when I’m around him.13) Doesn’t trust me—constantly accuses me of having affairs, etc.14) Doesn’t see me for who I am.15) He often changes the “rules” of our relationship.16) Chauvinistic—thinking a man should be served by women.17) Image focused, so worried how he appears to others.18) Has to get his way in everything all the time no matter how small. It is as though “getting his way” is more important than the issue itself.19) Unable to bond. He has never connected emotionally with me.20) He is not safe to be around. I never know what he will do or when. Very unpredictable.Why in the heck had she stayed with that man!? By leaving him, she had chosen happiness. It had to be her choice, and she had made it. Now she was on her own. If she turned back, then she’d be returning to where she’d been. She had heard that most women who leave their abusive husbands go back. She prayed not to be one of them. She couldn’t do this alone with five kids, but with God, maybe she would be successful—one moment at a time. She walked over to her window and looked out at the swing set. As she watched the swing move slightly in the wind, she thought that maybe with the knowledge she had gained, she could go out and serve others. Now if she could get over the next couple of hurdles, she’d be ready.
Tags: abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, lisa j peck
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March 31st, 2010
Many people wonder if they are in an abusive relationship or if the problems they experience are all part of normal marriage discord. Answer these simple questions to get a better idea as to what kinds of problems you are having in your marriage.
1- Does your stomach tighten when your spouse drives up in the driveway?
2- Do you feel like you have to be careful what you say around your spouse, and that anything could set him/her off?
3- Does your spouse swear at you, throw things, or physically hurt you?
4- Do your friends like your spouse or do they comment that he/she doesn’t treat you well?
5- Is your spouse willing to talk to you openly about finances, or does he/she control what you know and what you spend?
If the answer was yes to any of the questions, serious attention needs to be placed on the dynamics of your relationship. There is a high probability you could be in an abusive relationship.
Tags: abusive relationship abuse
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March 22nd, 2010
Money is an ordeal for most couples. However, finances with remarried couples present extra problems, primarily because divorced pairs often have a hard time disentangling their finances from ex-spouses. In addition, alimony and child support are two of the areas where divorced couples’ finances cause challenges. A therapist shared: I have heard countless stories from men and women who complain about the new spouse’s financial struggles with the ex. Some of the most common problems include late child support payments, medical bills, business asset division, the selling of the home or other assets, and hidden money. Since divorce is often linked to financial problems, many divorced people end up going through bankruptcy. This, too, can cause resentment in the new relationship because of bad credit and (sometimes) outstanding financial obligations. Before remarrying, it is absolutely essential that you and your new partner discuss finances. Being completely open and honest about debt, spending habits, alimony, and child support payments will help you. If you understand each other’s finances and know what you’re getting into before you get married, you are much more likely to foster a team approach. You can be creative in your solutions.
Tags: financial issues, financial responsibility, money, thriving after divorce
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March 15th, 2010
Many think that people who have been divorced should be good at choosing a mate. After all, if you have been divorced, you should have a clear idea of what you do and don’t want in a spouse, right? Wrong! In many instances, divorced people are prone to poor mate selection. Why? There are many reasons:
a. Loneliness
b. Hurried marriage c. Incompatibility d. Mental instability (self, other person, or both) e. Too many unresolved issues from a previous marriage f. Lack of self-esteem g. Feeling as though they need a parent for their kids h. Financial troubles i. A need for the societal acceptance of being married j. Fear of being alone k. Fear of getting to know themselves
This list looks slightly out of alignment, consider using the outline function to create flush edges.
Tags: divorce, poor choices, poor mate selection, remarriage, successful remarriage
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February 22nd, 2010
When a divorce occurs, there is a restructuring of the power in a family. In many instances, children will be given extra responsibility simply because a single parent cannot accomplish all the ordinary tasks alone. In other instances, one parent will attempt to take away any power or influence his or her ex-spouse has on the children. This parent will tell the children that they don’t have to obey their other parent, or the parent will undermine any authority the other parent tries to use in discipline. Even if this doesn’t happen, there’s the challenge of a new person coming into the family. Everyone has to figure out and accept the role of this new person. The struggle, power, and reconstruction of the operation of the family can lead to many conflicts.
Tags: divorce, marriage, successful remarriage
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