Our Behavior Affects the Climate in Our Relationships
Sometimes its difficult to assess how our behaviors affect the climate of our relationships with others. What each of us talks about significantly impacts what others around us feel and think. If you would like an example of this, consider how you felt the last time someone told you bad news. Their information probably had a direct impact on your mood and how you felt inside. What we do can affect what others around us feel. For example, when parents are going through a divorce, their children are observing a lot of stress and tension in their caregivers.
The thing about divorce is that you have a story. Most people, including the cats and dogs, want to know why. “What happened?” and “Did he/she really…?” are the common question you will get. As you tell your story, this is the climate you are presenting to others.
A vindictive climate will often push people away. While you may have anger, these approaches will not help you heal more will they allow you to create healthy relationships.
So what exactly is your story? What are you telling others? A person’s story may go something like this: “My wife was impossible to live with. She had to keep a spotless house. I would get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and she would make the bed. She took the spoon out of my mouth when I was eating to put it in the dishwasher. She was such clean freak-completely impossible. I’m sure lucky to be away from her.”
“Oh, he is such a slob. He leaves his socks, pants-you name it-on the floor. He’s so lazy and just wants to play. He never works. Good riddance to the bum.”
Your story may sound like this or may be something very different. “It was all her fault.” “It was all my fault. I’m so stupid.” No matter what your story is, it is important to know it. You go through the tale in your head on a regular basis. You must also observe how your story is understood or misunderstood by others.
Now it is time to examine your story and see how it works for you. Are you the victim? Are you the one who survived? Or can you see where both of you could have done things differently?
No matter what your story is, it is important to know it.
In this section you will be asked to determine how your story of the divorce influences the people around you. An added bonus will be that once you see how it affects others, you may see on a deeper level how it impacts you.
As you think about your story, it will have an impact on your emotions. You may get upset, irritated, sad, or you may feel relieved. These emotions turn into thoughts that create the climate inside of you. Your mind requires that you make meaning out of your divorce. Let’s see what your mind did with your experience.
ASSIGNMENT 4A: Take some time to write down the story you tell others about your divorce. What did you say? How did you describe the break-up?
ASSIGNMENT 4B: How did the individuals to whom you told your story respond? Did their response surprise you? Or was it predictable?
ASSIGNMENT 4C: Describe the effect their response had on YOU. Did it make you feel justified? Guilty? Pleased? Angry?
Now that you have gone in depth, looked at your stories, and consider how they affect you and others, your awareness of the power of what you say will stay with you as you put together more stories to tell in the future.
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