The Climate or Mood of Individuals around You Has a Profound Effect on You (cont)

Even more importantly, defending ourselves and the role that we played in the marriage keeps us trapped in that marriage. It’s more productive to resolve the past, let it go, and create a new here and now. This cannot happen if we’re constantly fighting battles against a real or imagined foe.

Defending ourselves and the role that we played in the marriage keeps us trapped in that marriage.

It is important to understand what you feel is happening around you and the people in your outer world. These influences can feel like weights that drain your energy and hold you back from healing. Becoming aware of who is present in your life right now and how their presence impacts you will help you to help faster.

The next assignment will help you assess the external influences or climate that may be slowing down your efforts to walk the path of healing. As with theater assignments, it’s important to write the answers down. If you just think about the answers without putting them to pen and paper, you’ll miss much of the benefit.

(to take part of the assignment, but the book here)

(To be continued next week)

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The Climate or Mood of Individuals around You Has a Profound Effect on You cont.

If you want to assess the climate around you, begin with yourself, and then evaluate the external climate. The following information will help you survey your internal and external climates.
During a divorce, the climate surrounding others may make it difficult to find peace. This is especially true if your ex-spouse, children, relatives, or clergy suggest there is something wrong with you. It has been my experience that individuals who have been through a divorce worry about how others perceive them.
To add to this problem, many people are not discreet with their judgements. A friend told me about an experience she had that is common for many divorcees. She struggled to go to church because as she walked down the hall people either stopped talking and stared or turned away and whispered.
Individuals who have been through a divorce worry about how others perceive them.
When these things happen, it is natural to feel that others are looking down on you and condemning you. You might begin to isolate yourself to avoid judgment. If you hide from life, happiness and the pleasure life can offer will not be able to find you. Isolating oneself in a depressed or guilty state is dangerous and not advised. While contemplation and meditation can help, remember that isolation in a depressed mood is much different from solitude and the joy and insight solitude can offer.
Another part of understanding one’s external climate comes in identifying how often we feel compelled to defend ourselves against the judgements of others. The problem is that when we constantly defend ourselves against the judgments of others. The problem is that when we constantly defend ourselves, we don’t have time or energy to create, set goals, or accomplish ordinary tasks. Basically, we get so worried about what everyone else thinks that we aren’t engaged in life.

(to be continued next week)

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The Third Fundamental Rule of Growth:
The Climate or Mood of Individuals around You Has a Profound Effect on You

Most of the time you aren’t even aware of how deeply a climate is affecting you.
After my husband left the house (okay, was escorted out by the police), something amazing began to happen. At first I was overwhelmed with what being separated meant: the children, the financial problems, the fights, the judgement by others. Plus, i was filled with the fear of being on my own. But within a day or two, my friends noticed that the stress lines on my face had lessened and I was starting to have fun. The more space and time I spent away from my husband, the more I found myself relaxing and becoming a more carefree, happy person-probably more of the person I really was, but always had to hide.

The experience of feeling so alive and free once one is separated from a spouse who is less than a positive influence is common Many people go through feelings of relief and freedom when they are no longer around a toxic boss, parent, child, neighbor, or friend. this relief and freedom can come as an enormous surprise, but it shows just how much being around negative drain can not only affect our thoughts but also our psyches and even our very souls. When an individual is in a constant state of stress, he or she often goes into a state of survival rather than achievement and creativity.

If your not in a safe situation, your mind constructs devices to protect you. Although each construct is written with a different instruction manna, the overall purpose is to lock down resources and simply survive. In such a mental state, there is little room for growth, and the ability to learn new things is severely hampered. There have been remarkable stories, however, of people who have not only survived but thrived in terrible situations; Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search For Meaning” is one. While in a Nazi war camp, he realized that his life depended on his ability to decrease a personal environment of hope until escape was possible. In order for a person to grow, a safe emotional and psychological climate needs to be present. So you see, no matter how bad things get, growth truly is dependent upon a certain state of mind.

(To be continued next week)

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The first fundamental rule of growth is understanding your own climate, your own story.

People can create a safe a climate within themselves. Consider meditation: The objective of meditation is ot help a person find the place where an inner climate of peace resides. If we can find the place of inner peace, the inner-self is nurtured from the inside out.

The following three assignments are designed to help you identify your inner climate. Take your itmeand seriously consider the implications of your answers. It has been my experience that in the early stages of divorce it is hard to find peace. If this is the case for you, I recommend you focus on the assignment.

Finding Peace in your life begins with finding peace within yourself.

Assignment 2A: How often do you feel at peace with yourself?

a. Daily

b. 3-5 times daily

c. Once a week

d. 2-3 times a month

e. Seldom

Assignment 2B: Explain your answer from above. Write down the last time you felt inner peace. Describe the type of climate you were in when you felt it. Include where you were, who you were with, why you were there, what time of day it was, and your purpose for being there. If you can’t remember a time, describe what you think it would look like, feel like, and be like. What feelings would you have?

Assignment 3: Make a list of things you can do to creat a safe climate for yourself. They don’t have to be hard. It could be a simple as taking ahot bath or sppreciating the sunrise as you drive to work. After you construct the list, go back through and pick at least three things tha tyou’re going to start doing immediately to create a safe climate. Once you have picked three, write when you’re going to make them happen. Be specific: say Tuesday at 7:30 a.m. This lodges the information in your mind. Put this appointment with yourself in your calender and schedule it.

Taking time for yourself is an important part of creating a safe climate. This builds trust wihtin yourslef tha tyou will do what you say to keep yourself healthy, grounded, and safe.

If you make a commitment that you’re going to start doing things to keep yourself safe, you need to honor and keep that commitment, or you will not trust yourself.

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