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Commandments of Step Parenting #2

Monday, January 11th, 2010

stepparenting #2

Commandment 3: Set Limits and Enforce Them It is very important for two parents to establish the family ground rules early in the new relationship. In fact, it’s wise for couples to discuss these boundaries before the marriage occurs. As rules and consequences are discussed and followed, it becomes easier for parents and children to respond when something goes wrong.
Commandment 4: Allow the Children an Outlet for Feelings for the Biological Parent Your stepchildren will always have feelings for their biological parent. To become jealous or undermine that interaction will only hurt your relationship and increase their feelings of loyalty to their natural parent. Encourage these feelings for the biological parent. Ask your new spouse to encourage the children to have respect for you.

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Commandments of Step Parenting #1

Monday, January 4th, 2010

door

Commandment 1: Give the Child Personal Space Children need to form their own identity. If you bring a child into a stepparent’s home make sure your child has a place to go to be alone (personal space). If this place cannot be found in your new living arrangements then discuss this with the child.

Commandment 2: Be Yourself Adults need to be themselves around their new stepchildren. It is easy to get caught up in winning over their hearts. The best policy is to be authentic from the beginning. Children are good at determining who is being real with them.

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5 Keys to A Close Relationship With Your Children Part 2

Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

one on one

Key 3: Take One-On-One Time with Each Child Spend time with each of your children individually. Do this as often as you can. Do something enjoyable. Ask them about their lives and what they are doing (e.g., school, friends, work, dating, hobbies) and what they are thinking. You will want to make sure that your discussions do not always focus on tasks that need to get done or on the divorce. Maintain a positive presence in your child’s life. We call this “special time” in our house. The kids look forward to it and get creative with ideas of what to do. They love to talk when they’re away from their siblings. We’ve gone shopping, played games, gone on walks, watched a show, gone to the video rental store together, sewed, and read. Key 4: Show Your Children that They are Important to You One of the biggest fears for children after a divorce is that they will be abandoned. This stems from one parent already being gone from their life, and sometimes very abruptly. As you make your child a priority they will learn to trust that you aren’t going to leave. Here are examples of things that you can do to show your children that they are important to you. A. If you say you’re going to do something with them or for them, keep your promise. B. Do nice things for your children to let them know that you are thinking about them. C. Take time every day to hug and kiss them—even if they are teenagers. Doing this consistently lets them know that you want to connect to them. Even though they don’t want to admit that they want this, it’s important to them to know that parents care. They need to know on an intellectual level and also physically through appropriate touch. As you make your children a priority, they will learn to trust that you are not going to leave. Key 5: Teach Positive Relationship Skills One of the best things you can teach your children is positive relationship skills—forgiveness, kindness, and empathy are just a few. For example, if your children see that you have empathy for your ex-spouse, they will learn to act the same way, not only in a spousal situation but also with dates, former friends, and others. Even if you’re being attacked by your ex-spouse, using statements such as, “I am sorry he/she feels that way” or “I suppose if I were in his/her shoes, I might feel that way too” or “He/she must really be hurting to say such things” can be really helpful ways to respond. The holidays are extra hard on my ex-spouse, so we have often invited him over to our house for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. This helped the children to not be worried about their dad being home alone for the holidays. It also shows that we still care for each other, despite the fact that we’re divorced. We act civilly and leave the past where it should be—in the past. When we’re able to show compassion toward each other in awkward or hard times, it gives our children an incredible example to follow. Remember, your child’s perception of the divorce will change throughout the years. Therefore, be patient and consistent. Show your child that you’re going to parent them regardless of whether you’re divorced or not.

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5 Keys to A Close Relationship With Your Children Part 1

Monday, December 21st, 2009

whisper

5 Keys to A Close Relationship With Your Children Key 1: Keep a Positive Attitude Children are always trying to assign meaning to what is happening around them. If you stay positive, your child will pick up on your attitude. The alternative is to become negative and bitter. Your children won’t like being around you if you’re always complaining or putting down the other parent.

Key 2: Be Open and Honest with Your Child Many people fear that they will inadvertently give their child too much information. However, if one spouse is accusing, belittling, or creating false stories, children need to know the truth. Many people become defensive when they hear things that their ex-spouse is saying about them. The defensive posture leads children and others to assume you really are guilty. Therefore, it is always a good idea to gather as much information as you can and openly admit mistakes you made. However, you should not allow misperceptions to go unchecked. This does not mean that you call your ex-spouse a liar—you simply relay the facts in a calm, non-accusatory fashion. Hint: One technique I use, since I am not legally allowed to discuss with my children past issues concerning my ex, is to ask them questions about what they know. This helps them sort out the answers for themselves. When people come up with an answer themselves, it has a much more powerful effect.

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What You Can Do To Believe In Yourself

Monday, December 7th, 2009

#1. Self-worth comes from being productive. People’s energy increases when they are doing positive things.

#2. Self-worth increases when a person is helping others.

#3. Self-worth comes when a person learns to be emotionally true and honest. They stop allowing others to hurt them. In other words, they take control of their life. It is valuing of self to not rely on others to feel valued.

#4. Self-worth increases when a person is in an environment that doesn’t bring them down. No matter how good a person is they need positive feedback. If they cannot find that in their current environment, they need to seek places of refuge. They need to find someone who values them and who they can value.

#5. Self-worth comes from creating relationships, being pro-active and involved with others. This increases people’s ability to realize that they are of worth.   (Excerpt from Stop Marrying Mistakes: Using Principles to Claim  A Healthy Relationship)

There are more to the list which I will post later, but I would love to hear what others think is important to add to the list.  I am sure that I missed some.

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Our Behavior Affects the Climate in Our Relationship

Monday, November 23rd, 2009

Sometimes it’s difficult to assess how our behaviors affect the climate of our relationships with others. What each of us talks about significantly impacts what others feel and think around us. If you would like an example of this, consider how you felt the last time someone told you bad news. Their information probably had a direct impact on your mood and how you felt inside. What we do can affect what others around us feel. For example, when parents are going through a divorce their children are observing a lot of stress and tension in their caregivers. (excerpt from Stop Marrying Mistakes: Using Principles to Claim a Healthy Relationship, 6)

How does your story affect those around you?

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Marrying Mistakes and Life Beyond Divorce

Monday, November 16th, 2009

Posted by: “Randy Gilbert” drproactive.mail@gmail.com

Fri Oct 12, 2007 1:09 pm (PST)

Randy Gilbert offers the following royalty-free article for you to publish online or in print.
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Article Title: Marrying Mistakes and Life Beyond Divorce
Author: Randy Gilbert
Category: Divorce, Parenting
Word Count: 658
Keywords: divorce, legal, relationship, abuse, domestic violence, positive, domestic, violence, seperation
Author’s Email Address: drproactive.mail@gmail.com
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Marriage is full of habits, both good and bad. Habits feel natural and easy which means they don’t break themselves by accident.

Many people who escape a bad marriage, tend to get involved in the same type of relationships they just escaped from. They marry the same type of person, fall into the same types of problems, and find themselves in another abusive situation.

For those who want to move on to better things, its very possible. The biggest piece is realizing the trap exists. The next is to find help and there are lot of communities, usually founded by men and women who can relate.

Lisa J. Peck, author of “Stop Marrying Mistakes,” found herself in an abusive relationship and sought the help of Growth Climate, a program developed by therapists that teaches how to take control of your life using principals. Peck learned alot in the process of turning her life around and here are some of the most important things she’s learned that she shared during an interview on Inside Romance Success.

The four fundamentals of emotional growth:
1. Understand that every person has his/her own climate or mood.
2. Realize that the mood a person feels and displays will effect how others treat that person.
3. Realize that people effect each other. A person who is surrounded by negative people will suffer more stress and is much more likely to become depressed.
4. Understand each person has inner and outer support systems. The success and positive people support themselves. An easy way to support oneself is to be surrounded by positive people.

Three crucial steps to healing:
1. Mourn the loss of a relationship and acknowledge the pain.
2. Nourish the mind and the body. (It is far to easy to punish or neglect the body when the spirit is not happy but this will only perpetuate the bad feelings.)
3. Evaluate aspirations and passions. Reconnect with the real you. Find the inner child. A great help here is for someone to ask “What did I enjoy doing as a child?” Connecting with old dreams is NOT silly, it’s powerful.

A common problem attached to relationship problems of every level is depression. If a person can get excited with their life and future possibilites, it is much easier to move on.
Steps of depression and how it happens:
1. Self worth struggle – every child is born with a sense of self worth. Humans believe they are valuable as a person until told otherwise.
2. Instinct wrestle – Someone thinks they are not as good as they had thought or hoped.
3. Choice – In the end, each person chooses to believe or to doubt themself.

Self worth comes from being productive. People who get involved in things are able to adjust more easily from broken relationships. The mind can hold multiple thoughts but there is only room for one feeling at a time, therefore by helping another person, the first will be carried away from their own problems. This can be a ton of fun, AND it’s rewarding!

Kids are a real issue for most marriages, divorces, and remarriages. Few people plan to become the ‘evil’ stepmother or father but often the kids involved create their own worst nightmare by being hurtful or standoffish. Lisa J. Peck created the The Ten Commandments of Step-Parenting developed to ease emotional hurts and let the parent be the parent.
Here are the first five:
1. Give the child personal space
2. Be yourself around them
3. Set limits and enforce them
4. Allow outlets for feelings for both children and biological parents
5. Expect ambivalence from the child. They need time.

The proactive strategies outlined by Lisa J. Peck during her interview can smooth the path to a healthy recovery from divorce and open the possibilities of beautiful new positive relationships.

Remember to beware the trap of bad habits, get help, help others, and move on.

Dr. Proactive Randy Gilbert enjoys producing the “Inside Romance Success” show hosted by Kevin Decker, who presents his insightful interview with Lisa J. Peck based upon the techniques from her book.
http://www.insidesuccessradio.com/Guests/Lisa-Peck

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Types of Intimacy #1

Saturday, November 7th, 2009

kiss

When you hear the word intimacy, do you automatically think of sex? Or do you define intimacy in relationships another way? Couples experience various types of intimacy in their relationships. Below is a list, with definitions, of different types of intimacy. Intimacy 1: Physical This is easily the most recognizable form of intimacy. Western media focuses almost exclusively on physical intimacy in relationships. Seldom are we shown how couples develop other types. Physical intimacy is definitely important; however, it is only one aspect of intimacy.

Dr. Skinner explains: When couples come to my office with relationship problems, they will frequently say, “We don’t have much in common.” Many times these couples start their relationship with a lot of physical intimacy. The beginning of their relationship is exciting and fun, but they haven’t taken the time to develop intimacy in other areas. Eventually, they sometimes realize that they cannot find common ground.

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Common Behavior of Children After Divorce Part 1

Saturday, November 7th, 2009

sister and brother

Common Behavior 1: Most children want a relationship with both parents after a divorce.

In fact, researchers have found that children who maintain close and regular contact with both parents after a divorce do better academically and socially and are less likely to get involved in delinquent activity. Therefore, if you criticize your ex-spouse, you will be hurting your child. If you succeed at alienating your child from your ex-spouse, you are not helping your cause. As your children mature they will struggle in their own relationships. What have they learned—to be negative, critical, and unforgiving.

Common Behavior 2: Each child will experience the divorce in his or her unique way. Children of the same family will often interpret the divorce and how it impacts them in completely separate ways. One reason is that each child is at a different developmental stage. A young toddler doesn’t understand what a teenager does. Furthermore, toddlers, unlike teenagers, have not been exposed to all of the problems their parents have had over the years. The more stress children encounter or challenges they face during the divorce, the more difficult it will be for them to progress developmentally. For example, a teenager who is just starting to date and develop social relations may pull back from dating for fear that relationship failure is inevitable. An alternate possibility is that the teenager will turn to more delinquent behavior, such as sexual promiscuity or drugs and alcohol, to avoid the tension and frustration of their home life. In a young child, you may see regressive behavior. A child who has been potty trained may start having more accidents. A ten-year-old may act more aggressively at home or school. In many instances, although appropriate behavior has been taught, inappropriate behaviors are common to children who are experiencing stress.

My youngest was at the age to be potty trained when the divorce occurred. I held back from trying to train him, knowing he might regress. I did not think the increased pressure to learn this task would have been good for him as we were going through the transition. Even though some people think that the divorce doesn’t affect the toddler, it does. Babies are sensitive to the stress that goes on around them. Often times they also have to adjust to going from one home to another. My toddler decided that he wanted to return to being a baby. That was okay. It was his way of coping. I got out a baby cup and filled it with milk. I had him climb in my lap and I hugged him and fed him like a baby. I also put out a blanket and said, “If you’re going to be a baby then you need to stay on a blanket like a baby.” Every time he tried to get off the blanket I’d pick him up and put him back. “No. No. You’re a baby. Babies stay on their blankets.” I continued to treat him like a baby, including putting him to bed early. To my surprise he immediately got into the role, crawling around and saying, “Mama. Mama.” This lasted for two days before he decided he wanted to be a big boy again. We had no more regression after that. From all the change that the divorce brought, he felt afraid and vulnerable and wanted to return to the time when he felt safe. Since I allowed him to do that and let him stay there as long as necessary, he eventually worked the fear out of his system and felt secure enough to encounter life again.

I believe the divorce was harder on the older children. I had many more challenges and issues to work out with them. Being an adult when my parents divorced, I know from firsthand experience that adult children can take the divorce even harder than children at younger ages. I read research that boys are quieter than girls about their hurt. Many boys’ misbehaviors surface two or three years after the divorce, leaving parents surprised and wondering what happened. It is extremely important if you have sons to get them in touch with their feelings and help them deal with this upheaval to avoid future problems. I worked hard with my oldest son, nine at the time, who struggled silently with the divorce. He needed counseling. That was by far the best thing I ever did for our bond with each other. He was angry with me at the time of the divorce and blamed me for everything. He wouldn’t even talk to me. The therapist and I worked hard with him on his feelings. Now we cherish a tender relationship. We are good friends. He thinks I’m a mind reader because I helped him identify his feelings and normalized them. When he showed signs of stress, we made a habit of meeting on the couch in my bedroom where he would curl up on my lap (he still does this even though he is bigger than me!) and talk. He resisted at first. Then his walls crumbled and he opened up. The human contact got through to him. I’m grateful I took the time to help him through those tough months. He was a quiet child, and I could easily have brushed aside his emotional needs until I was doing better myself.

One of my other children viewed me as weak since she saw her father hit me. She decided she wasn’t going to be the weak one. She took the anger and power position. I figured out, that in order to be a good mom to her, I needed to let her know I was strong enough to handle whatever she tried. I could keep her safe. She tested the boundaries a lot. Once she discovered that I was not going away, and after doing some weightlifting so I was the stronger of the two of us, she settled down. I needed to be consistent, loving her and sending her value as I set the boundaries. I did not always succeed—she would be the first to tell you that. But I continued to try. We have a much more workable relationship, and she no longer thinks Mom is a pushover. We have even enjoyed some honest talks about how the divorce affected her. I let all my children know that I’m truly sorry that they had to endure so much pain. I never wished this on them. They are strong individuals, and they can take this situation and use it to benefit their lives in the future. It is exciting to me that they are discovering how strong they are by making it through this difficult time in their lives.

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Successful Remarriage: Poor Mate Selection

Saturday, November 7th, 2009

Photobucket

Many think that people who have been divorced should be good at choosing a mate. After all, if you have been divorced, you should have a clear idea of what you do and don’t want in a spouse, right? Wrong! In many instances, divorced people are prone to poor mate selection. Why? There are many reasons:

a. Loneliness

b. Hurried marriage

c. Incompatibility

d. Mental instability (self, other person, or both)

e. Too many unresolved issues from a previous marriage

f. Lack of self-esteem

g. Feeling as though they need a parent for their kids

h. Financial troubles

i. A need for the societal acceptance of being married

j. Fear of being alone

k. Fear of getting to know themselves

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