Even more importantly, defending ourselves and the role that we played in the marriage keeps us trapped in that marriage. It’s more productive to resolve the past, let it go, and create a new here and now. This cannot happen if we’re constantly fighting battles against a real or imagined foe.

Defending ourselves and the role that we played in the marriage keeps us trapped in that marriage.

It is important to understand what you feel is happening around you and the people in your outer world. These influences can feel like weights that drain your energy and hold you back from healing. Becoming aware of who is present in your life right now and how their presence impacts you will help you to help faster.

The next assignment will help you assess the external influences or climate that may be slowing down your efforts to walk the path of healing. As with theater assignments, it’s important to write the answers down. If you just think about the answers without putting them to pen and paper, you’ll miss much of the benefit.

(to take part of the assignment, but the book here)

(To be continued next week)

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If you want to assess the climate around you, begin with yourself, and then evaluate the external climate. The following information will help you survey your internal and external climates.
During a divorce, the climate surrounding others may make it difficult to find peace. This is especially true if your ex-spouse, children, relatives, or clergy suggest there is something wrong with you. It has been my experience that individuals who have been through a divorce worry about how others perceive them.
To add to this problem, many people are not discreet with their judgements. A friend told me about an experience she had that is common for many divorcees. She struggled to go to church because as she walked down the hall people either stopped talking and stared or turned away and whispered.
Individuals who have been through a divorce worry about how others perceive them.
When these things happen, it is natural to feel that others are looking down on you and condemning you. You might begin to isolate yourself to avoid judgment. If you hide from life, happiness and the pleasure life can offer will not be able to find you. Isolating oneself in a depressed or guilty state is dangerous and not advised. While contemplation and meditation can help, remember that isolation in a depressed mood is much different from solitude and the joy and insight solitude can offer.
Another part of understanding one’s external climate comes in identifying how often we feel compelled to defend ourselves against the judgements of others. The problem is that when we constantly defend ourselves against the judgments of others. The problem is that when we constantly defend ourselves, we don’t have time or energy to create, set goals, or accomplish ordinary tasks. Basically, we get so worried about what everyone else thinks that we aren’t engaged in life.

(to be continued next week)

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Most of the time you aren’t even aware of how deeply a climate is affecting you.
After my husband left the house (okay, was escorted out by the police), something amazing began to happen. At first I was overwhelmed with what being separated meant: the children, the financial problems, the fights, the judgement by others. Plus, i was filled with the fear of being on my own. But within a day or two, my friends noticed that the stress lines on my face had lessened and I was starting to have fun. The more space and time I spent away from my husband, the more I found myself relaxing and becoming a more carefree, happy person-probably more of the person I really was, but always had to hide.

The experience of feeling so alive and free once one is separated from a spouse who is less than a positive influence is common Many people go through feelings of relief and freedom when they are no longer around a toxic boss, parent, child, neighbor, or friend. this relief and freedom can come as an enormous surprise, but it shows just how much being around negative drain can not only affect our thoughts but also our psyches and even our very souls. When an individual is in a constant state of stress, he or she often goes into a state of survival rather than achievement and creativity.

If your not in a safe situation, your mind constructs devices to protect you. Although each construct is written with a different instruction manna, the overall purpose is to lock down resources and simply survive. In such a mental state, there is little room for growth, and the ability to learn new things is severely hampered. There have been remarkable stories, however, of people who have not only survived but thrived in terrible situations; Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search For Meaning” is one. While in a Nazi war camp, he realized that his life depended on his ability to decrease a personal environment of hope until escape was possible. In order for a person to grow, a safe emotional and psychological climate needs to be present. So you see, no matter how bad things get, growth truly is dependent upon a certain state of mind.

(To be continued next week)

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Sometimes its difficult to assess how our behaviors affect the climate of our relationships with others. What each of us talks about significantly impacts what others around us feel and think. If you would like an example of this, consider how you felt the last time someone told you bad news. Their information probably had a direct impact on your mood and how you felt inside. What we do can affect what others around us feel. For example, when parents are going through a divorce, their children are observing a lot of stress and tension in their caregivers.
The thing about divorce is that you have a story. Most people, including the cats and dogs, want to know why. “What happened?” and “Did he/she really…?” are the common question you will get. As you tell your story, this is the climate you are presenting to others.
A vindictive climate will often push people away. While you may have anger, these approaches will not help you heal more will they allow you to create healthy relationships.
So what exactly is your story? What are you telling others? A person’s story may go something like this: “My wife was impossible to live with. She had to keep a spotless house. I would get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and she would make the bed. She took the spoon out of my mouth when I was eating to put it in the dishwasher. She was such clean freak-completely impossible. I’m sure lucky to be away from her.”
“Oh, he is such a slob. He leaves his socks, pants-you name it-on the floor. He’s so lazy and just wants to play. He never works. Good riddance to the bum.”
Your story may sound like this or may be something very different. “It was all her fault.” “It was all my fault. I’m so stupid.” No matter what your story is, it is important to know it. You go through the tale in your head on a regular basis. You must also observe how your story is understood or misunderstood by others.
Now it is time to examine your story and see how it works for you. Are you the victim? Are you the one who survived? Or can you see where both of you could have done things differently?
No matter what your story is, it is important to know it.
In this section you will be asked to determine how your story of the divorce influences the people around you. An added bonus will be that once you see how it affects others, you may see on a deeper level how it impacts you.
As you think about your story, it will have an impact on your emotions. You may get upset, irritated, sad, or you may feel relieved. These emotions turn into thoughts that create the climate inside of you. Your mind requires that you make meaning out of your divorce. Let’s see what your mind did with your experience.

ASSIGNMENT 4A: Take some time to write down the story you tell others about your divorce. What did you say? How did you describe the break-up?

ASSIGNMENT 4B: How did the individuals to whom you told your story respond? Did their response surprise you? Or was it predictable?

ASSIGNMENT 4C: Describe the effect their response had on YOU. Did it make you feel justified? Guilty? Pleased? Angry?

Now that you have gone in depth, looked at your stories, and consider how they affect you and others, your awareness of the power of what you say will stay with you as you put together more stories to tell in the future.
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People can create a safe a climate within themselves. Consider meditation: The objective of meditation is ot help a person find the place where an inner climate of peace resides. If we can find the place of inner peace, the inner-self is nurtured from the inside out.

The following three assignments are designed to help you identify your inner climate. Take your itmeand seriously consider the implications of your answers. It has been my experience that in the early stages of divorce it is hard to find peace. If this is the case for you, I recommend you focus on the assignment.

Finding Peace in your life begins with finding peace within yourself.

Assignment 2A: How often do you feel at peace with yourself?

a. Daily

b. 3-5 times daily

c. Once a week

d. 2-3 times a month

e. Seldom

Assignment 2B: Explain your answer from above. Write down the last time you felt inner peace. Describe the type of climate you were in when you felt it. Include where you were, who you were with, why you were there, what time of day it was, and your purpose for being there. If you can’t remember a time, describe what you think it would look like, feel like, and be like. What feelings would you have?

Assignment 3: Make a list of things you can do to creat a safe climate for yourself. They don’t have to be hard. It could be a simple as taking ahot bath or sppreciating the sunrise as you drive to work. After you construct the list, go back through and pick at least three things tha tyou’re going to start doing immediately to create a safe climate. Once you have picked three, write when you’re going to make them happen. Be specific: say Tuesday at 7:30 a.m. This lodges the information in your mind. Put this appointment with yourself in your calender and schedule it.

Taking time for yourself is an important part of creating a safe climate. This builds trust wihtin yourslef tha tyou will do what you say to keep yourself healthy, grounded, and safe.

If you make a commitment that you’re going to start doing things to keep yourself safe, you need to honor and keep that commitment, or you will not trust yourself.

buy the book

Most human development occurs in a safe climate. This means that if you want to grow and change, you need to understand how to establish and use a few fundamental rules that will help you enjoy your healthy relationship for growth and shape it for growth.

To be continued next week!

Excerpt from “Stop Marrying Mistakes”, available at Amazon.

“Heal” is a message that divorced people hear a lot. I would be a millionare if I were paid a dollar every time someone told me, “You’ve got to give yourself time to heal.” Great. I’d love to heal. I have a life I want to get on with, so let’s do it. But how?

Before you can fix something, you have to know what the problem is. So despite the fact that it’s not fun to look at the truth of our wounded lives, it is important to be thorough and honest when doing so. If you’re not, you’re only cheating yourself.

Excercises to Assist in Healing

Take a few minutes now to think about what you’ve gotten through since the day your divorce was finalized.

In the assignment below you will be asked to identify some of the most challenging things you have had to deal with since your divorce. Do it. Grab a pen and honestly answer the questions. Remember: the more honest you are with yourself, the faster you’ll heal and the sooner you’ll be relieved of pain. Additionally, the more honest you are now, the faster you’ll develop the necessary skills to form a healthy lifestyle. So what are you waiting for? Let’s start.

Assignment 1: What are the five most difficult things you have had to deal with as a direct result of your divorce? Write down how each of these has impacted you, your children, and others.

example:

1) ____________________________

Impact on me:

Impact on my children:

Impact on others:

Excerpt taken from “Stop Marrying Mistakes”. Buy this book.

Way to go Judy Jackie Glass, who recently told O.J. Simpson that he wasn’t above the law! She sent a very clear message saying, “When I tell you Mr. Simpson there are conditions and there are rules. Anything like this happens in the future …you’ll be back locked up in Clark County Detention Center.”Judge Glass sent a very clear message that O.J. wasn’t above the law and he would, in her court, be held accountable to the consequences of his behavior. This was a great move on Judge Glass part to end violence in our society. The more often we can send messages to abusers that they aren’t above the law and their misbehavior will receive firm consequences the safer our society will be.

On average, abused women are returning to their abuser seven times before leaving them for good. Why is this happening? Many will say because the victim will not stand up for herself, or on a subconscious level, she likes being a victim.

The truth is that her community is failing her. Many of these women are ending up homeless on the street, or having their abuser take her children from her, or have extreme religious, social and money pressures to go back and make it work. These women don’t have a safety net they can rely on, little opportunity to earn enough to support her family, and little or no training on how to stand on her own.

Until society stops brushing her off to the side, blaming her and becoming a community where she and her family can find redemption, the spiraling social problems that come from this will continue.