Sometimes its difficult to assess how our behaviors affect the climate of our relationships with others. What each of us talks about significantly impacts what others around us feel and think. If you would like an example of this, consider how you felt the last time someone told you bad news. Their information probably had a direct impact on your mood and how you felt inside. What we do can affect what others around us feel. For example, when parents are going through a divorce, their children are observing a lot of stress and tension in their caregivers.
The thing about divorce is that you have a story. Most people, including the cats and dogs, want to know why. “What happened?” and “Did he/she really…?” are the common question you will get. As you tell your story, this is the climate you are presenting to others.
A vindictive climate will often push people away. While you may have anger, these approaches will not help you heal more will they allow you to create healthy relationships.
So what exactly is your story? What are you telling others? A person’s story may go something like this: “My wife was impossible to live with. She had to keep a spotless house. I would get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and she would make the bed. She took the spoon out of my mouth when I was eating to put it in the dishwasher. She was such clean freak-completely impossible. I’m sure lucky to be away from her.”
“Oh, he is such a slob. He leaves his socks, pants-you name it-on the floor. He’s so lazy and just wants to play. He never works. Good riddance to the bum.”
Your story may sound like this or may be something very different. “It was all her fault.” “It was all my fault. I’m so stupid.” No matter what your story is, it is important to know it. You go through the tale in your head on a regular basis. You must also observe how your story is understood or misunderstood by others.
Now it is time to examine your story and see how it works for you. Are you the victim? Are you the one who survived? Or can you see where both of you could have done things differently?
No matter what your story is, it is important to know it.
In this section you will be asked to determine how your story of the divorce influences the people around you. An added bonus will be that once you see how it affects others, you may see on a deeper level how it impacts you.
As you think about your story, it will have an impact on your emotions. You may get upset, irritated, sad, or you may feel relieved. These emotions turn into thoughts that create the climate inside of you. Your mind requires that you make meaning out of your divorce. Let’s see what your mind did with your experience.

ASSIGNMENT 4A: Take some time to write down the story you tell others about your divorce. What did you say? How did you describe the break-up?

ASSIGNMENT 4B: How did the individuals to whom you told your story respond? Did their response surprise you? Or was it predictable?

ASSIGNMENT 4C: Describe the effect their response had on YOU. Did it make you feel justified? Guilty? Pleased? Angry?

Now that you have gone in depth, looked at your stories, and consider how they affect you and others, your awareness of the power of what you say will stay with you as you put together more stories to tell in the future.
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Way to go Judy Jackie Glass, who recently told O.J. Simpson that he wasn’t above the law! She sent a very clear message saying, “When I tell you Mr. Simpson there are conditions and there are rules. Anything like this happens in the future …you’ll be back locked up in Clark County Detention Center.”Judge Glass sent a very clear message that O.J. wasn’t above the law and he would, in her court, be held accountable to the consequences of his behavior. This was a great move on Judge Glass part to end violence in our society. The more often we can send messages to abusers that they aren’t above the law and their misbehavior will receive firm consequences the safer our society will be.

Common Behavior 3: Your divorce will likely make your child skeptical of relationships. In younger children this may not appear until late in their teenage years. However, if your divorce occurred during the teen years or early adulthood, there is a high possibility that your child may struggle with interpersonal relationships. The challenge you face will be to model a healthy relationship in subsequent relationships. One of the best ways to help children, no matter what their age, is by showing them what a positive relationship looks like. Either create one yourself, or find a loving couple that you believe to be a healthy example and arrange to have your children around them often. I read that children do better if they have support from three different places. I decided that I would actively go out and seek this. I adopted grandparents for my children. In addition, I had the church group get involved. I also set my children up with adult teachers who taught them music, sewing, or basketball and who also taught my children that they were worthwhile individuals. I discussed with these adults my goal of creating a support system for my children and helping to show them how healthy relationships work. Many were willing to help. The additional mentoring not only blessed the lives of my children but also blessed the lives of the people who helped. We have many tender stories to attest to that. Children who get support and love from others in the community will adapt better.

Common Behavior 4: Your child may turn to others for comfort. Often children turn to friends for support during their parents’ divorce. When children do this, it can be challenging to get them to reconnect with you. It’s common during the teen years to turn to friends. However, what many people ignore is the fact that most teens still desire contact with their parents, even if they don’t show it. They want to connect, but don’t know how. Their emotions are raw. If you see your child turning away from you and toward others, remember that, deep inside, they still want to be close to you.

Commandment 7: Do Not Expect Instant Love Children are slower to trust after a divorce. Most researchers suggest that a stepparent’s initial role with the child should be as a friend. As trust and acceptance is gained, the role of the stepparent can change. The biological parent should handle most of the discipline.

Commandment 8: Do Not Take All the Responsibility As the stepparent, you can easily get caught up trying to fix everything. Remember, your stepchild is still dealing with a destroyed marriage. They may not want to develop a relationship with you—at least not at the moment. Let the child do some of the work to maintain the relationship. Be consistent and loving and allow the child to engage in the relationship.

Key 3: Take One-On-One Time with Each Child Spend time with each of your children individually. Do this as often as you can. Do something enjoyable. Ask them about their lives and what they are doing (e.g., school, friends, work, dating, hobbies) and what they are thinking. You will want to make sure that your discussions do not always focus on tasks that need to get done or on the divorce. Maintain a positive presence in your child’s life. We call this “special time” in our house. The kids look forward to it and get creative with ideas of what to do. They love to talk when they’re away from their siblings. We’ve gone shopping, played games, gone on walks, watched a show, gone to the video rental store together, sewed, and read. Key 4: Show Your Children that They are Important to You One of the biggest fears for children after a divorce is that they will be abandoned. This stems from one parent already being gone from their life, and sometimes very abruptly. As you make your child a priority they will learn to trust that you aren’t going to leave. Here are examples of things that you can do to show your children that they are important to you. A. If you say you’re going to do something with them or for them, keep your promise. B. Do nice things for your children to let them know that you are thinking about them. C. Take time every day to hug and kiss them—even if they are teenagers. Doing this consistently lets them know that you want to connect to them. Even though they don’t want to admit that they want this, it’s important to them to know that parents care. They need to know on an intellectual level and also physically through appropriate touch. As you make your children a priority, they will learn to trust that you are not going to leave. Key 5: Teach Positive Relationship Skills One of the best things you can teach your children is positive relationship skills—forgiveness, kindness, and empathy are just a few. For example, if your children see that you have empathy for your ex-spouse, they will learn to act the same way, not only in a spousal situation but also with dates, former friends, and others. Even if you’re being attacked by your ex-spouse, using statements such as, “I am sorry he/she feels that way” or “I suppose if I were in his/her shoes, I might feel that way too” or “He/she must really be hurting to say such things” can be really helpful ways to respond. The holidays are extra hard on my ex-spouse, so we have often invited him over to our house for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. This helped the children to not be worried about their dad being home alone for the holidays. It also shows that we still care for each other, despite the fact that we’re divorced. We act civilly and leave the past where it should be—in the past. When we’re able to show compassion toward each other in awkward or hard times, it gives our children an incredible example to follow. Remember, your child’s perception of the divorce will change throughout the years. Therefore, be patient and consistent. Show your child that you’re going to parent them regardless of whether you’re divorced or not.

Sometimes it’s difficult to assess how our behaviors affect the climate of our relationships with others. What each of us talks about significantly impacts what others feel and think around us. If you would like an example of this, consider how you felt the last time someone told you bad news. Their information probably had a direct impact on your mood and how you felt inside. What we do can affect what others around us feel. For example, when parents are going through a divorce their children are observing a lot of stress and tension in their caregivers. (excerpt from Stop Marrying Mistakes: Using Principles to Claim a Healthy Relationship, 6)

How does your story affect those around you?

When you hear the word intimacy, do you automatically think of sex? Or do you define intimacy in relationships another way? Couples experience various types of intimacy in their relationships. Below is a list, with definitions, of different types of intimacy. Intimacy 1: Physical This is easily the most recognizable form of intimacy. Western media focuses almost exclusively on physical intimacy in relationships. Seldom are we shown how couples develop other types. Physical intimacy is definitely important; however, it is only one aspect of intimacy.

Dr. Skinner explains: When couples come to my office with relationship problems, they will frequently say, “We don’t have much in common.” Many times these couples start their relationship with a lot of physical intimacy. The beginning of their relationship is exciting and fun, but they haven’t taken the time to develop intimacy in other areas. Eventually, they sometimes realize that they cannot find common ground.

Common Behavior 1: Most children want a relationship with both parents after a divorce.

In fact, researchers have found that children who maintain close and regular contact with both parents after a divorce do better academically and socially and are less likely to get involved in delinquent activity. Therefore, if you criticize your ex-spouse, you will be hurting your child. If you succeed at alienating your child from your ex-spouse, you are not helping your cause. As your children mature they will struggle in their own relationships. What have they learned—to be negative, critical, and unforgiving.

Common Behavior 2: Each child will experience the divorce in his or her unique way. Children of the same family will often interpret the divorce and how it impacts them in completely separate ways. One reason is that each child is at a different developmental stage. A young toddler doesn’t understand what a teenager does. Furthermore, toddlers, unlike teenagers, have not been exposed to all of the problems their parents have had over the years. The more stress children encounter or challenges they face during the divorce, the more difficult it will be for them to progress developmentally. For example, a teenager who is just starting to date and develop social relations may pull back from dating for fear that relationship failure is inevitable. An alternate possibility is that the teenager will turn to more delinquent behavior, such as sexual promiscuity or drugs and alcohol, to avoid the tension and frustration of their home life. In a young child, you may see regressive behavior. A child who has been potty trained may start having more accidents. A ten-year-old may act more aggressively at home or school. In many instances, although appropriate behavior has been taught, inappropriate behaviors are common to children who are experiencing stress.

My youngest was at the age to be potty trained when the divorce occurred. I held back from trying to train him, knowing he might regress. I did not think the increased pressure to learn this task would have been good for him as we were going through the transition. Even though some people think that the divorce doesn’t affect the toddler, it does. Babies are sensitive to the stress that goes on around them. Often times they also have to adjust to going from one home to another. My toddler decided that he wanted to return to being a baby. That was okay. It was his way of coping. I got out a baby cup and filled it with milk. I had him climb in my lap and I hugged him and fed him like a baby. I also put out a blanket and said, “If you’re going to be a baby then you need to stay on a blanket like a baby.” Every time he tried to get off the blanket I’d pick him up and put him back. “No. No. You’re a baby. Babies stay on their blankets.” I continued to treat him like a baby, including putting him to bed early. To my surprise he immediately got into the role, crawling around and saying, “Mama. Mama.” This lasted for two days before he decided he wanted to be a big boy again. We had no more regression after that. From all the change that the divorce brought, he felt afraid and vulnerable and wanted to return to the time when he felt safe. Since I allowed him to do that and let him stay there as long as necessary, he eventually worked the fear out of his system and felt secure enough to encounter life again.

I believe the divorce was harder on the older children. I had many more challenges and issues to work out with them. Being an adult when my parents divorced, I know from firsthand experience that adult children can take the divorce even harder than children at younger ages. I read research that boys are quieter than girls about their hurt. Many boys’ misbehaviors surface two or three years after the divorce, leaving parents surprised and wondering what happened. It is extremely important if you have sons to get them in touch with their feelings and help them deal with this upheaval to avoid future problems. I worked hard with my oldest son, nine at the time, who struggled silently with the divorce. He needed counseling. That was by far the best thing I ever did for our bond with each other. He was angry with me at the time of the divorce and blamed me for everything. He wouldn’t even talk to me. The therapist and I worked hard with him on his feelings. Now we cherish a tender relationship. We are good friends. He thinks I’m a mind reader because I helped him identify his feelings and normalized them. When he showed signs of stress, we made a habit of meeting on the couch in my bedroom where he would curl up on my lap (he still does this even though he is bigger than me!) and talk. He resisted at first. Then his walls crumbled and he opened up. The human contact got through to him. I’m grateful I took the time to help him through those tough months. He was a quiet child, and I could easily have brushed aside his emotional needs until I was doing better myself.

One of my other children viewed me as weak since she saw her father hit me. She decided she wasn’t going to be the weak one. She took the anger and power position. I figured out, that in order to be a good mom to her, I needed to let her know I was strong enough to handle whatever she tried. I could keep her safe. She tested the boundaries a lot. Once she discovered that I was not going away, and after doing some weightlifting so I was the stronger of the two of us, she settled down. I needed to be consistent, loving her and sending her value as I set the boundaries. I did not always succeed—she would be the first to tell you that. But I continued to try. We have a much more workable relationship, and she no longer thinks Mom is a pushover. We have even enjoyed some honest talks about how the divorce affected her. I let all my children know that I’m truly sorry that they had to endure so much pain. I never wished this on them. They are strong individuals, and they can take this situation and use it to benefit their lives in the future. It is exciting to me that they are discovering how strong they are by making it through this difficult time in their lives.

Many think that people who have been divorced should be good at choosing a mate. After all, if you have been divorced, you should have a clear idea of what you do and don’t want in a spouse, right? Wrong! In many instances, divorced people are prone to poor mate selection. Why? There are many reasons:

a. Loneliness

b. Hurried marriage

c. Incompatibility

d. Mental instability (self, other person, or both)

e. Too many unresolved issues from a previous marriage

f. Lack of self-esteem

g. Feeling as though they need a parent for their kids

h. Financial troubles

i. A need for the societal acceptance of being married

j. Fear of being alone

k. Fear of getting to know themselves