Commandment 7: Do Not Expect Instant Love Children are slower to trust after a divorce. Most researchers suggest that a stepparent’s initial role with the child should be as a friend. As trust and acceptance is gained, the role of the stepparent can change. The biological parent should handle most of the discipline.

Commandment 8: Do Not Take All the Responsibility As the stepparent, you can easily get caught up trying to fix everything. Remember, your stepchild is still dealing with a destroyed marriage. They may not want to develop a relationship with you—at least not at the moment. Let the child do some of the work to maintain the relationship. Be consistent and loving and allow the child to engage in the relationship.

Commandment 5: Expect Ambivalence Some children feel like they’re betraying their biological parent if they treat a stepparent well. However, they also realize that one of their parents chose to marry you. As a result, the child may feel torn between both parents. If you expect this to happen, it will be easier to prevent yourself from getting too defensive when your stepchild gives you the cold shoulder, doesn’t respond to your advice, or criticizes you.

Commandment 6: Avoid Mealtime Misery Common rituals can be a torment to your child. They are used to having both of their biological parents together. When a stepparent is introduced and it is mealtime, the child has a stark reminder of just how much their life has changed. The same holds true for other common rituals such as birthdays, Sunday observance, and holidays. The challenge all new families face is creating new rituals that the child can learn to enjoy. Having the child involved in new traditions can help build the bridge.

Commandment 3: Set Limits and Enforce Them It is very important for two parents to establish the family ground rules early in the new relationship. In fact, it’s wise for couples to discuss these boundaries before the marriage occurs. As rules and consequences are discussed and followed, it becomes easier for parents and children to respond when something goes wrong.
Commandment 4: Allow the Children an Outlet for Feelings for the Biological Parent Your stepchildren will always have feelings for their biological parent. To become jealous or undermine that interaction will only hurt your relationship and increase their feelings of loyalty to their natural parent. Encourage these feelings for the biological parent. Ask your new spouse to encourage the children to have respect for you.

Commandment 1: Give the Child Personal Space Children need to form their own identity. If you bring a child into a stepparent’s home make sure your child has a place to go to be alone (personal space). If this place cannot be found in your new living arrangements then discuss this with the child.

Commandment 2: Be Yourself Adults need to be themselves around their new stepchildren. It is easy to get caught up in winning over their hearts. The best policy is to be authentic from the beginning. Children are good at determining who is being real with them.