Money is an ordeal for most couples. However, finances with remarried couples present extra problems, primarily because divorced pairs often have a hard time disentangling their finances from ex-spouses. In addition, alimony and child support are two of the areas where divorced couples’ finances cause challenges. A therapist shared: I have heard countless stories from men and women who complain about the new spouse’s financial struggles with the ex. Some of the most common problems include late child support payments, medical bills, business asset division, the selling of the home or other assets, and hidden money. Since divorce is often linked to financial problems, many divorced people end up going through bankruptcy. This, too, can cause resentment in the new relationship because of bad credit and (sometimes) outstanding financial obligations. Before remarrying, it is absolutely essential that you and your new partner discuss finances. Being completely open and honest about debt, spending habits, alimony, and child support payments will help you. If you understand each other’s finances and know what you’re getting into before you get married, you are much more likely to foster a team approach. You can be creative in your solutions.

Commandment 9: Be Patient Do not expect an instant bond. Initially, you may experience growing pains when you bring two families together. It takes time to establish boundaries, rules, and roles. Realize that there will be times when you’ll be highly frustrated. In most situations, if you are t and continue to make adaptations, the children will respond favorably. They will realize this marriage is for real. If you are consistent and continue to make adaptations, the children will respond favorably.
Commandment 10: Maintain Appropriate Marital Boundaries In every remarriage situation, it’s critical that the two partners maintain their personal boundaries. As you create new interactions it’s easy to fall back into old patterns. You may find yourself sharing information and frustrations with your children. They may form ideas or beliefs that can hurt your new marriage. Make sure that you maintain healthy boundaries between you, your new partner and your children.

Common Behavior 3: Your divorce will likely make your child skeptical of relationships. In younger children this may not appear until late in their teenage years. However, if your divorce occurred during the teen years or early adulthood, there is a high possibility that your child may struggle with interpersonal relationships. The challenge you face will be to model a healthy relationship in subsequent relationships. One of the best ways to help children, no matter what their age, is by showing them what a positive relationship looks like. Either create one yourself, or find a loving couple that you believe to be a healthy example and arrange to have your children around them often. I read that children do better if they have support from three different places. I decided that I would actively go out and seek this. I adopted grandparents for my children. In addition, I had the church group get involved. I also set my children up with adult teachers who taught them music, sewing, or basketball and who also taught my children that they were worthwhile individuals. I discussed with these adults my goal of creating a support system for my children and helping to show them how healthy relationships work. Many were willing to help. The additional mentoring not only blessed the lives of my children but also blessed the lives of the people who helped. We have many tender stories to attest to that. Children who get support and love from others in the community will adapt better.

Common Behavior 4: Your child may turn to others for comfort. Often children turn to friends for support during their parents’ divorce. When children do this, it can be challenging to get them to reconnect with you. It’s common during the teen years to turn to friends. However, what many people ignore is the fact that most teens still desire contact with their parents, even if they don’t show it. They want to connect, but don’t know how. Their emotions are raw. If you see your child turning away from you and toward others, remember that, deep inside, they still want to be close to you.

Common Behavior 1: Most children want a relationship with both parents after a divorce.

In fact, researchers have found that children who maintain close and regular contact with both parents after a divorce do better academically and socially and are less likely to get involved in delinquent activity. Therefore, if you criticize your ex-spouse, you will be hurting your child. If you succeed at alienating your child from your ex-spouse, you are not helping your cause. As your children mature they will struggle in their own relationships. What have they learned—to be negative, critical, and unforgiving.

Common Behavior 2: Each child will experience the divorce in his or her unique way. Children of the same family will often interpret the divorce and how it impacts them in completely separate ways. One reason is that each child is at a different developmental stage. A young toddler doesn’t understand what a teenager does. Furthermore, toddlers, unlike teenagers, have not been exposed to all of the problems their parents have had over the years. The more stress children encounter or challenges they face during the divorce, the more difficult it will be for them to progress developmentally. For example, a teenager who is just starting to date and develop social relations may pull back from dating for fear that relationship failure is inevitable. An alternate possibility is that the teenager will turn to more delinquent behavior, such as sexual promiscuity or drugs and alcohol, to avoid the tension and frustration of their home life. In a young child, you may see regressive behavior. A child who has been potty trained may start having more accidents. A ten-year-old may act more aggressively at home or school. In many instances, although appropriate behavior has been taught, inappropriate behaviors are common to children who are experiencing stress. My youngest was at the age to be potty trained when the divorce occurred. I held back from trying to train him, knowing he might regress. I did not think the increased pressure to learn this task would have been good for him as we were going through the transition. Even though some people think that the divorce doesn’t affect the toddler, it does. Babies are sensitive to the stress that goes on around them. Often times they also have to adjust to going from one home to another. My toddler decided that he wanted to return to being a baby. That was okay. It was his way of coping. I got out a baby cup and filled it with milk. I had him climb in my lap and I hugged him and fed him like a baby. I also put out a blanket and said, “If you’re going to be a baby then you need to stay on a blanket like a baby.” Every time he tried to get off the blanket I’d pick him up and put him back. “No. No. You’re a baby. Babies stay on their blankets.” I continued to treat him like a baby, including putting him to bed early. To my surprise he immediately got into the role, crawling around and saying, “Mama. Mama.” This lasted for two days before he decided he wanted to be a big boy again. We had no more regression after that. From all the change that the divorce brought, he felt afraid and vulnerable and wanted to return to the time when he felt safe. Since I allowed him to do that and let him stay there as long as necessary, he eventually worked the fear out of his system and felt secure enough to encounter life again.I believe the divorce was harder on the older children. I had many more challenges and issues to work out with them. Being an adult when my parents divorced, I know from firsthand experience that adult children can take the divorce even harder than children at younger ages. I read research that boys are quieter than girls about their hurt. Many boys’ misbehaviors surface two or three years after the divorce, leaving parents surprised and wondering what happened. It is extremely important if you have sons to get them in touch with their feelings and help them deal with this upheaval to avoid future problems. I worked hard with my oldest son, nine at the time, who struggled silently with the divorce. He needed counseling. That was by far the best thing I ever did for our bond with each other. He was angry with me at the time of the divorce and blamed me for everything. He wouldn’t even talk to me. The therapist and I worked hard with him on his feelings. Now we cherish a tender relationship. We are good friends. He thinks I’m a mind reader because I helped him identify his feelings and normalized them. When he showed signs of stress, we made a habit of meeting on the couch in my bedroom where he would curl up on my lap (he still does this even though he is bigger than me!) and talk. He resisted at first. Then his walls crumbled and he opened up. The human contact got through to him. I’m grateful I took the time to help him through those tough months. He was a quiet child, and I could easily have brushed aside his emotional needs until I was doing better myself. One of my other children viewed me as weak since she saw her father hit me. She decided she wasn’t going to be the weak one. She took the anger and power position. I figured out, that in order to be a good mom to her, I needed to let her know I was strong enough to handle whatever she tried. I could keep her safe. She tested the boundaries a lot. Once she discovered that I was not going away, and after doing some weightlifting so I was the stronger of the two of us, she settled down. I needed to be consistent, loving her and sending her value as I set the boundaries. I did not always succeed—she would be the first to tell you that. But I continued to try. We have a much more workable relationship, and she no longer thinks Mom is a pushover. We have even enjoyed some honest talks about how the divorce affected her. I let all my children know that I’m truly sorry that they had to endure so much pain. I never wished this on them. They are strong individuals, and they can take this situation and use it to benefit their lives in the future. It is exciting to me that they are discovering how strong they are by making it through this difficult time in their lives.

Commandment 7: Do Not Expect Instant Love Children are slower to trust after a divorce. Most researchers suggest that a stepparent’s initial role with the child should be as a friend. As trust and acceptance is gained, the role of the stepparent can change. The biological parent should handle most of the discipline.

Commandment 8: Do Not Take All the Responsibility As the stepparent, you can easily get caught up trying to fix everything. Remember, your stepchild is still dealing with a destroyed marriage. They may not want to develop a relationship with you—at least not at the moment. Let the child do some of the work to maintain the relationship. Be consistent and loving and allow the child to engage in the relationship.

When you hear the word intimacy, do you automatically think of sex? Or do you define intimacy in relationships another way? Couples experience various types of intimacy in their relationships. Below is a list, with definitions, of different types of intimacy. Intimacy 1: Physical This is easily the most recognizable form of intimacy. Western media focuses almost exclusively on physical intimacy in relationships. Seldom are we shown how couples develop other types. Physical intimacy is definitely important; however, it is only one aspect of intimacy.

Dr. Skinner explains: When couples come to my office with relationship problems, they will frequently say, “We don’t have much in common.” Many times these couples start their relationship with a lot of physical intimacy. The beginning of their relationship is exciting and fun, but they haven’t taken the time to develop intimacy in other areas. Eventually, they sometimes realize that they cannot find common ground.

Common Behavior 1: Most children want a relationship with both parents after a divorce.

In fact, researchers have found that children who maintain close and regular contact with both parents after a divorce do better academically and socially and are less likely to get involved in delinquent activity. Therefore, if you criticize your ex-spouse, you will be hurting your child. If you succeed at alienating your child from your ex-spouse, you are not helping your cause. As your children mature they will struggle in their own relationships. What have they learned—to be negative, critical, and unforgiving.

Common Behavior 2: Each child will experience the divorce in his or her unique way. Children of the same family will often interpret the divorce and how it impacts them in completely separate ways. One reason is that each child is at a different developmental stage. A young toddler doesn’t understand what a teenager does. Furthermore, toddlers, unlike teenagers, have not been exposed to all of the problems their parents have had over the years. The more stress children encounter or challenges they face during the divorce, the more difficult it will be for them to progress developmentally. For example, a teenager who is just starting to date and develop social relations may pull back from dating for fear that relationship failure is inevitable. An alternate possibility is that the teenager will turn to more delinquent behavior, such as sexual promiscuity or drugs and alcohol, to avoid the tension and frustration of their home life. In a young child, you may see regressive behavior. A child who has been potty trained may start having more accidents. A ten-year-old may act more aggressively at home or school. In many instances, although appropriate behavior has been taught, inappropriate behaviors are common to children who are experiencing stress.

My youngest was at the age to be potty trained when the divorce occurred. I held back from trying to train him, knowing he might regress. I did not think the increased pressure to learn this task would have been good for him as we were going through the transition. Even though some people think that the divorce doesn’t affect the toddler, it does. Babies are sensitive to the stress that goes on around them. Often times they also have to adjust to going from one home to another. My toddler decided that he wanted to return to being a baby. That was okay. It was his way of coping. I got out a baby cup and filled it with milk. I had him climb in my lap and I hugged him and fed him like a baby. I also put out a blanket and said, “If you’re going to be a baby then you need to stay on a blanket like a baby.” Every time he tried to get off the blanket I’d pick him up and put him back. “No. No. You’re a baby. Babies stay on their blankets.” I continued to treat him like a baby, including putting him to bed early. To my surprise he immediately got into the role, crawling around and saying, “Mama. Mama.” This lasted for two days before he decided he wanted to be a big boy again. We had no more regression after that. From all the change that the divorce brought, he felt afraid and vulnerable and wanted to return to the time when he felt safe. Since I allowed him to do that and let him stay there as long as necessary, he eventually worked the fear out of his system and felt secure enough to encounter life again.

I believe the divorce was harder on the older children. I had many more challenges and issues to work out with them. Being an adult when my parents divorced, I know from firsthand experience that adult children can take the divorce even harder than children at younger ages. I read research that boys are quieter than girls about their hurt. Many boys’ misbehaviors surface two or three years after the divorce, leaving parents surprised and wondering what happened. It is extremely important if you have sons to get them in touch with their feelings and help them deal with this upheaval to avoid future problems. I worked hard with my oldest son, nine at the time, who struggled silently with the divorce. He needed counseling. That was by far the best thing I ever did for our bond with each other. He was angry with me at the time of the divorce and blamed me for everything. He wouldn’t even talk to me. The therapist and I worked hard with him on his feelings. Now we cherish a tender relationship. We are good friends. He thinks I’m a mind reader because I helped him identify his feelings and normalized them. When he showed signs of stress, we made a habit of meeting on the couch in my bedroom where he would curl up on my lap (he still does this even though he is bigger than me!) and talk. He resisted at first. Then his walls crumbled and he opened up. The human contact got through to him. I’m grateful I took the time to help him through those tough months. He was a quiet child, and I could easily have brushed aside his emotional needs until I was doing better myself.

One of my other children viewed me as weak since she saw her father hit me. She decided she wasn’t going to be the weak one. She took the anger and power position. I figured out, that in order to be a good mom to her, I needed to let her know I was strong enough to handle whatever she tried. I could keep her safe. She tested the boundaries a lot. Once she discovered that I was not going away, and after doing some weightlifting so I was the stronger of the two of us, she settled down. I needed to be consistent, loving her and sending her value as I set the boundaries. I did not always succeed—she would be the first to tell you that. But I continued to try. We have a much more workable relationship, and she no longer thinks Mom is a pushover. We have even enjoyed some honest talks about how the divorce affected her. I let all my children know that I’m truly sorry that they had to endure so much pain. I never wished this on them. They are strong individuals, and they can take this situation and use it to benefit their lives in the future. It is exciting to me that they are discovering how strong they are by making it through this difficult time in their lives.

Many think that people who have been divorced should be good at choosing a mate. After all, if you have been divorced, you should have a clear idea of what you do and don’t want in a spouse, right? Wrong! In many instances, divorced people are prone to poor mate selection. Why? There are many reasons:

a. Loneliness

b. Hurried marriage

c. Incompatibility

d. Mental instability (self, other person, or both)

e. Too many unresolved issues from a previous marriage

f. Lack of self-esteem

g. Feeling as though they need a parent for their kids

h. Financial troubles

i. A need for the societal acceptance of being married

j. Fear of being alone

k. Fear of getting to know themselves