Key 3: Take One-On-One Time with Each Child Spend time with each of your children individually. Do this as often as you can. Do something enjoyable. Ask them about their lives and what they are doing (e.g., school, friends, work, dating, hobbies) and what they are thinking. You will want to make sure that your discussions do not always focus on tasks that need to get done or on the divorce. Maintain a positive presence in your child’s life. We call this “special time” in our house. The kids look forward to it and get creative with ideas of what to do. They love to talk when they’re away from their siblings. We’ve gone shopping, played games, gone on walks, watched a show, gone to the video rental store together, sewed, and read. Key 4: Show Your Children that They are Important to You One of the biggest fears for children after a divorce is that they will be abandoned. This stems from one parent already being gone from their life, and sometimes very abruptly. As you make your child a priority they will learn to trust that you aren’t going to leave. Here are examples of things that you can do to show your children that they are important to you. A. If you say you’re going to do something with them or for them, keep your promise. B. Do nice things for your children to let them know that you are thinking about them. C. Take time every day to hug and kiss them—even if they are teenagers. Doing this consistently lets them know that you want to connect to them. Even though they don’t want to admit that they want this, it’s important to them to know that parents care. They need to know on an intellectual level and also physically through appropriate touch. As you make your children a priority, they will learn to trust that you are not going to leave. Key 5: Teach Positive Relationship Skills One of the best things you can teach your children is positive relationship skills—forgiveness, kindness, and empathy are just a few. For example, if your children see that you have empathy for your ex-spouse, they will learn to act the same way, not only in a spousal situation but also with dates, former friends, and others. Even if you’re being attacked by your ex-spouse, using statements such as, “I am sorry he/she feels that way” or “I suppose if I were in his/her shoes, I might feel that way too” or “He/she must really be hurting to say such things” can be really helpful ways to respond. The holidays are extra hard on my ex-spouse, so we have often invited him over to our house for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. This helped the children to not be worried about their dad being home alone for the holidays. It also shows that we still care for each other, despite the fact that we’re divorced. We act civilly and leave the past where it should be—in the past. When we’re able to show compassion toward each other in awkward or hard times, it gives our children an incredible example to follow. Remember, your child’s perception of the divorce will change throughout the years. Therefore, be patient and consistent. Show your child that you’re going to parent them regardless of whether you’re divorced or not.

Tags: blending families children of divorce, children of divorce, divorce, relationships

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